Okay, gonna be honest here. This is my third time rewriting this, because I "backspaced" to delete something and LJ is retarded and apparently thought I meant to go back a page. Just a hint, auto-save means nothing if it's only updated every half hour, hm?
Anyway... I remember posting here a while back, in 2008. I remembered the object of my affection back then, I even vaguely remembered the feelings, but after reading the saga of the crazy crush on my guitar teacher (#01, #02, #03, #04) I just... I didn't remember just how intense the feelings were. Even now I find myself swelling with emotion, three years and four boyfriends deeper into the folds of my life. I am so grateful to this community and LJ itself for giving me an outlet to have vented those feelings. I am only three years older, a fraction of time in the stretch of one’s lifetime, but already I’m looking back on what I’ve written and remembering these amazing, open, raw feelings and finding myself awestruck and disbelieving. I couldn’t ever even remember feeling that way, or being so open and romantic, untouched. I feel truly lucky to have experienced something so sweet, innocent and untainted, to be able to look back without an ounce of regret or disdain.
I feel like I should update: Honestly, after that things just kind of fizzled. I gave up trying to chase him down, even for the lessons – and now I’ve even lost the guitar. We only saw each other a few times after my last post; he even stopped coming into the store as often as he had. I recall one of those times he had called me up stating he had some wonderful news and asked if he could come to my apartment and see me – of course I said yes. :) He showed up at my front door with a big grin and a piece of paper accepting into the school he’d been wanting to attend. I congratulated him wholeheartedly and shared in his elation. He told me I looked “very nice,” we hugged and talked on the front porch for a bit. As he left he lingered on my steps for a while, hesitating as though he didn’t want to leave and kept back-tracking to say good night again. He was so distracted he ran into a low hanging branch of a tree that stretched over the sidewalk! Hehe. That was the last really private moment we had together.
After that I moved on to another man, another older fellow who was far less sweet, deep or gentlemanly, to say the least. We, my guitar teacher and I, only saw each other a couple more times. Once he offered me a ride home from the shopping center where I’d worked on a nasty, rainy day (post-argument with new fling, I may add). There was nothing exceptional, just small talk on a quick ride. The other time he’d hung out with my mother and I for a while as we did laundry at the Laundromat, also in said shopping center, and invited us to an upcoming gig. We accepted reluctantly, but knew we wouldn’t be able to attend.
After that I met and started dating my psychotic ex, bounced around from home to home in Christy Park and after a series of very unfortunate events wound up homeless for a while, couch surfing at my best friend’s house. Now I live on the north side of Pittsburgh, about an hour away from “home.” I have a boyfriend, two cats and a precious three legged Beagle mix, a nice little three bedroom house in a nice little neighborhood and am going to school to be a Veterinary Technician (classes for which I should be sleeping right now!). Life has happened and now I’m back here, with another teacher crush – though in retrospect it is much less exciting and promising than my first. :)
He’s the resident veterinarian at my school who also teaches some of the core classes of my program. He’s not tall, not dark (mostly not there, to be honest hehe), and to be frank he’s not particularly handsome, either. His attitude and personality are what have really captured my eye. He’s very laid back, silly and fun, and even when one of us says something silly or stupid (or just wrong), he just looks at us with this amused patience. I’m relatively certain this feeling is something that, at its core, is purely sexual – but with my overactive imagination has started to snowball into something wild. It’s becoming distracting, even.
He has this habit of staring into my eyes – or maybe I’m the one who’s staring, I have no idea – while he’s lecturing. I’m assuming it’s because I’m the only one who’s actually looking at him and not at the whiteboard or my computer or some other random object in the room. But when he does it, I get completely lost. Half of me is trying not to be painfully obvious that I’m gazing or studying his face, and the other half is completely distracted <i>with</i> gazing or studying his face. I catch myself lingering in the hallways waiting to board the elevator with him (even though we don’t say a word TO each other), or walking past where I know he’ll be to catch a glance. Sometimes I’m even nervous to talk to him (I needed to ask him for the worksheet on fleas that I’d missed when I was sick for a day and almost wet myself!), which is completely uncharacteristic of me.
I’ll admit, this little crush is in no way comparable to my guitar teacher, but I felt like I needed to get it off my chest and share it with others who may understand. And I truly do miss this community. :)